I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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