..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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