Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
