On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
