My underwear smells like fireworks.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
