Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
