Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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