my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
