We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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