I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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