You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
