winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
