I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
