So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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