you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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