bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
