The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
