saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
