I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
lets start a swedish sibling band together
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
