You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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