I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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