defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
