i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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