i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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