A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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