My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
