Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
