i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
