and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
