When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
