You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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