You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
