I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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