If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
