I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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