I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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