i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Who died my cat blue again?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
