The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
