oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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