i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
True strength comes from lack of pants
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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