Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
