The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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