I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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