just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I intend to get homeless drunk
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.