the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.