I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
