somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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