i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize