she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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