hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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