So drunk its hurt
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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