She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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