chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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