DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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