i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
